The wonders and horrors of Saiyuki fanfic
by Madhumalati
Summary: Reading fanfiction can be a Very Bad Idea, especially if you're the subject, as Goku and the others discover. 39, implied 58. Epilogue: The Grand Plot is revealed! Oh my! You'll NEVER guess who was behind it all! ......yeah, whatever.
1. the quarrel

_**The Wonders and Horrors of Saiyuki Fanfic**_

A/N: Yes, I know these are cliches we've all used, but some of them are entirely too fun not to include here. Each scene will be under 200 words. Any Japanese involved is parodiously intended. The word 'parodious' (alternative – parodical) is copyrighted by yours truly. A giftfic (within limits) for anyone who can guess the origin of the first line!

_**Scene 1: in which there is a quarrel**_

The man in the white labcoat fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

Er. With company, of course.

'Sanzo, I'm hungry.'

'You just ate, monkey!'

'I know, but this is the opening statement all the fanfiction writers use when they don't have a good starting line. And……I really am hungry.'

Click!

'Now, now. Goku, here's a meatbun. Sanzo, please put your gun away.'

'Heh. Bet the meatbun's put away before the gun, eh, shorty?'

'WHY YOU PERVERTED KAPPA!'

'Hey, wasn't this fic supposed to be in English?'

'It's okay to translate cusswords, one-word phrases and romantic declarations, hentai kappa!'

'Okay, sorry for not knowing, _bakazaru_!'

'Kappa!'

'Saru!'

'Kappa!'

'Saru!'

'AAAARGH!'

The backseat turned into a melee. Sanzo rubbed wearily at his temples. 'What the devil are they doing? And why are they speaking Japanese in China?'

Hakkai laughed, eyes crinkled shut (which was a fairly dangerous thing to do while driving, but Hakkai was all-powerful after all) 'I think they've discovered some Saiyuki fanfiction. Goku seemes to have been especially influenced by it.'

'There's fanfiction based off…us?'

'Oh yes,' Hakkai said. His smile grew wider. 'I believe some of them pair you off with Gojyo.'

Click.

'Sanzo, _please_, not while we're driving.'

A/N: well, this is only the beginning. I may take suggestions for future chapters, but I have the base plot planned out, and that will not change. And if you bounce me a bunny, make it small enough to fit into a) the rating and b) the size, all right? And do review.


	2. the inn

_**Scene 2: in which there is an inn**_

'Four rooms,' Sanzo ordered, slamming the card down. The innkeeper quailed as a pair of borderline psychotic violet eyes bored into his like a drill bit.

'W-w-w-w……weonlyhavetworooms!'

Sanzo's eyes narrowed, turning from drill bit to the side of a diamond.

Hakkai intervened with the practiced ease of one whose job consisted of so much of pouring oil on troubled waters that he was a veritable Beelzebub to environmentally-conscious people. 'That's quite all right, thank you,' he said. 'I suppose Gojyo and I could take one room and–'

'Leave me with the monkey? No chance. Like I'd want to spend two minutes in the same room with an ape like him,' Sanzo sneered, displaying a callous, horrible, jerk-like, emotionally wounding attitude. Goku's face fell and tears wobbled at the edge of his eyes.

Behind him, Gojyo made a discreet face. Hakkai smiled wider. His cheeks were beginning to hurt, but hey, now, what was a little thing like that to someone who clawed his own eye out?

'Hakkai,' Sanzo ordered. 'The children can stay together.'

Gojyo twitched. 'Hey, wait, why do I get the monkey?'

'Self-awareness at last, cockroach?'

'You shitty monk–'

But Sanzo had already stomped away.

A/N: I forgot to mention this earlier, but this fic will follow the same pattern as my other drabble series: three reviews or seven days, whichever is earlier. I won't hold the threat of no updates over readers' heads, though. That's just sick. Of course, if I get four or more reviews, I will be happy beams and update quicker! Next: Scene 3: in which the inevitable 39 angst is given a little showtime.


	3. the angst

_**Scene 3: in which there is angst**_

Sanzo, and Goku lay on their respective beds, unable to sleep. They were suffering from a disease known as LNA – late-night angst – a chronic condition where romantic thoughts and dreary angst flashed through their mind.

'Why doesn't he ever notice me?' Goku wondered aloud, unheard except by readers. 'Am I just a nuisance to him? Just a stupid little monkey that tags along and can't be left behind? Am I just his servant? Am I nothing to him? I don't want to be nothing. I want him to love me as I love him. As I've always loved him. He's my sun. He's my air. He's everything to me. Aishiteru, Sanzo, aishiteru, so why won't you ever notice me? Why do I love you if it's only going to cause me pain? Is it because you saved me? Because of what you are to me? …Or is it just cause, like, _damn_ are you hotter than a pizza with the cheese still bubbling or what?'

And in the other room, where Sanzo lay awake and stared while Hakkai slept peacefully…

Well, Sanzo does his angsting silently, so we shall have to wait in unbearable suspense until later.

A/N: sohmamomiji: the 85 arc will follow. This one is mostly 39, but Hakkai does play a fairly important part wink


	4. the Unexpected Development

_**Scene 4: in which there is the Unexpected Development**_

'Sanzo-ikkou, give us the sutra!'

'Oh dear gods,' Gojyo groaned.

Sanzo scanned discreetly for Kanzeon. 'Don't say that, moron!'

They swung into action with the weariness of a prima donna on the ninth unsuccessful night, and within minutes, the youkai were all dead, and they were on their way.

'So,' Sanzo said quietly. Behind them, Gojyo and Goku snored. 'This fanfiction thing.'

'Goku started reading it a few days ago,' Hakkai replied. 'It's stories written by others that describe or speculate on our journey. According to Goku, the fanfiction parallels things that happen to us quite well. He says it's creepy, almost as if we really were characters in a story.'

'Ch,' Sanzo said. 'If this were a bloody story we'd have got to India by now, don't you think?'

'Ahahaha,' Hakkai said, but his reply was cut off as Jeep squealed to a halt; Gojyo and Goku both sprawled forward, waking with a yelp.

Something had stopped them. Something indescribably evil. Horrible. Petrifying. They stood frozen, staring at it, thought wiped clean from their minds.

Strangely enough, Goku was the first to recover. 'This must be the Unexpected Development!' he declared triumphantly.

Sanzo couldn't find the heart to disagree.

A/N: gift-fic for YYHgurl – please contact me for specifics. Thanks to my reviewers.


	5. the Unexpected Development's purpose

_**Scene 5: in which the purpose of the Unexpected Development is further described**_

It was tall. It was huge. It had wings and horns, but was definitely not a unicorn. This was not difficult, as it was spectacularly ugly.

It was clearly a youkai of some sort, but it was definitely deadlier and scarier and more powerful than anything they'd ever ever faced – in fact, one of its powers was that it defied clear description and thus became easier to contradict in later chapters.

There was also an excellent chance of it being Gyuumaoh's uncle or long-lost niece or favourite assassin or something. Or Li Touten's, even if they didn't know him (except Goku, who had been reading Gaiden fanfiction even though he hadn't watched or read it; living through it and then getting amnesia doesn't count).

'I know what's going to happen!' Goku said cheerily. 'One of us gets badly injured, then whoever's madly in love with them goes berserk and kills the monster, then angsts over them while they're unconscious, realises he's in love with the injured man, wakes them by sharing a passionate kiss with them and then……'

He drew it out.

They all waited.

'……One of us other than Gojyo finally gets to have sex!'

Sanzo began to twitch.

A/N: EoS, here it is, on schedule. I am, after all, a very punctual person.


	6. Goku plays Cassandra's heir

_**Scene 6: in which Goku plays Cassandra's heir**_

As it turned out, the battle was a lot less spectacular.

Still twitching from Goku's declaration, Sanzo turned and shot the Unexpected Development until it looked vaguely like a sewer grate, riddled with neat lines of holes from Sanzo's Infini-Bullet Magical Transforming Big-Bad Banishing Gun, which was occasionally a revolver, just like Hakuryuu was occasionally a jeep.

The Unexpected Development, which had just opened its mouth to begin its dramatic opening speech that would contain name, rank, purpose/quest/need for vengeance, utterly uninteresting history and size of underwear, collapsed with a faintly bewildered gurgle. The thunderous crash as it fell made all their ears ring.

And as it fell, one giant clawed hand caught Goku rather solidly about the midsection. Somehow, it managed to rip into a heretic who could normally take being beaten up by gods in his stride. The blood splushed out as Goku collapsed, and Hakkai cried out in alarm as he ran to heal Goku, while Gojyo cursed. Sanzo just stood there, in shock at seeing something he couldn't quite accept.

He was going to have to get Goku tested for precog abilities.

Either that, or he'd have to investigate that blasted fanfiction.


	7. Snow White would not be jealous

_**Scene 7: in which Snow White would not be jealous**_

'If you think I'm going to kiss you,' Sanzo said, 'you are incredibly mistaken.'

Goku's features remained still and pale.

Curse the ape for getting ideas. Curse those two for coercing him into this.

'I would rather die than kiss you,' he continued, really getting into his stride. 'Even though you're cute, and you melt my frozen heart, I won't ever let myself get attached. Love hurts. I hate the rain. I loathe you, despise you, will never enter into any kind of relationship with you. These are concrete facts, not open to discussion. Got it?'

Goku snored. Sanzo gave up.

This was all that damn fanfiction's fault. Goku had been perfectly normal until he'd read that…thing…(and he was going to kill Hakkai for letting him read it).

Still, now that Goku was in its thrall, he could do nothing but what the story required, and Hakkai and Gojyo had both firmly refused.

The story demanded it.

He would have to do it.

Steeling himself, he leaned down slowly and gently pressed……

A meatbun to those slack lips.

Goku woke. 'Sanzo! I'm hungry!' he said delightedly, and tore into the meatbun.

The blond hit him once, hard, and stalked out of the room.


	8. the horror movie cliches take over

_**Scene 8: in which the horror-movie clichés take over**_

Sanzo eyed the laptop, and then his gun.

The solution was obvious and easy. Just destroy the godforsaken thing. Aim, fire. Boom. End of problem. His standard answer to all his troubles; shoot repeatedly until dead.

But his collection of country music was there. So were Hakkai's recipes, and Gojyo's stash of what Hakkai had euphemistically called 'contemporary romantic fiction'.

Besides, what if it contained some clue to curing the monkey? Hakkai would kill him if he destroyed their chances at getting the old Goku back – and Sanzo had to admit that that Goku had been less annoying (and a lot less creepy) than this one, who was hungry too often, fought too loudly, swore in Japanese (no, really, where had he learnt it?!) angsted aloud and made fey predictions that came true. Yes, the fanfiction had to be examined.

Which meant that someone had to read it.

Not Hakkai, certainly. The man only had academic knowledge of sanity. And not Gojyo, who didn't have the brains to resist whatever had infected Goku.

It would have to be him.

With a sense of foreboding that refused to leave, Sanzo laid the gun aside, opened the laptop……

And began to read.


	9. Hakkai gets a hint

_**Scene 9: in which Hakkai gets a hint**_

Hakkai was worried. Goku seemed to have recovered from his injuries, but Sanzo had just walked past him – not stalked, stomped, prowled, marched, but _walked_, like a normal human being. He was not radiating an aura of menace, fury, sorrow, angst or aloof detachment. In fact, he'd felt as un-Sanzo as it was possible to feel.

And he was heading towards Goku's room.

Hakkai felt a prickle of _something_ tickle him, but ignored it. Goku and Sanzo were perfectly capable men. It wasn't as if Hakkai had to keep mothering them.

But still, there was something about Sanzo just then. He hadn't even had his cigarette in his mouth.

Oh, well. It was none of his business. He shrugged and went back to his room to get a pack of cards.

Only to stop in horror at the sight of the open laptop glowing, forlorn on the bed. The website it was displaying was a prominent archive of Saiyuki fanfiction, and the filters had been set to "Sanzo", "Goku", "romance", and "angst".

Shouting for Gojyo, he burst out of his room, darting towards Goku's, but in his heart he had a horrible feeling he was far, far too late.


	10. Sanzo succumbs and the OOC attacks

_**Scene 10: in which Sanzo succumbs, and the OOC attacks**_

There was a fluttering in his heart, a quickening of his pulse, and his eyes and throat were burning. This would have seemed like an imminent apoplectic fit to most who knew Sanzo, but it was in reality an attempt on his part to accommodate the phenomenon described by MonksLuverZaru19473, whose 395 Saiyuki fanfictions he had just finished reading, as "luv".

The fanfiction had crept into his very cells – er, pixels – and Sanzo was helpless to resist. He opened the door gently (for the first time in years) and tiptoed to Goku's bedside. The boy lay there, looking deliciously dishevelled. Even the bit of meatbun on his chin seemed adorable at that moment.

'Goku,' he whispered, his heart overflowing with love and affection. He knelt down, caressing the pale forehead. Goku stirred in his sleep, mumbling Sanzo's name, as enthralled by the fanfic as he was.

'I love you,' he whispered again and again, kissing the boy lightly, safe in the knowledge that he was asleep.

'I love you too,' Goku said fuzzily as he woke, eyes wide. 'So this means you've read fanfic too?'

'I have, and I've seen the truth,' Sanzo said and kissed him.

He could feel a poem just welling up inside.

A/N: to the best of my knowledge there is no MonksLuverZaru. If there is, please contact me if you want the name changed or something. And I've read no less than nine fanfics where Sanzo kisses a sleeping Goku. I felt it needed mentioning.


	11. there is romantic poetry

_**Scene 11: in which there is romantic poetry**_

Gojyo banged at the door again. It wouldn't budge. 'Just our luck,' he huffed. 'The hardest bloody door in the history of mankind. What's going on in there, you think?'

'I have no idea,' Hakkai admitted. 'He was reading angsty romance. It could be a declaration that they were never meant to be. It could be love. It could even be……romantic poetry.'

Gojyo shot him a Look, having just had a slightly more explicit mental image. 'Or it could be worse.'

'Or it could be worse,' Hakkai echoed and shrugged. 'The point is, we have to stop them before they do something irreversible in there. Well, at least the rating wasn't set to M.'

'Okay, let's try it again. Mission: Rescue Monkey's Chastity, here we go.'

And inside……

'Why are they trying to break down the door?' Sanzo grumbled.

'No idea. Making out?'

'Sounds good.'

And back outside……

'They aren't talking,' Gojyo observed. 'But I can't hear any other, mm-hm, noises either.'

It was Hakkai's turn to grimace. 'All right,' he said, resigned. 'I guess there's nothing else to do, then.'

Gojyo backed away nervously as Hakkai's hands took on a scarily familiar pose. 'Hey, 'Kai, you might wanna–'

**BOOM.**


	12. Hakkai intervenes

_**Scene 12: in which Hakkai intervenes**_

Obviously, Sanzo and Goku were not amused when the door blew in – or when the wall opposite disintegrated into component molecules.

Hakkai stepped through the rubble, wiping his hands cheerily.

'You're dressed,' Gojyo said. 'Well, guess Mission: Monkey's Chastity was a success, then.'

Sanzo drew himself up. 'Our tender virgin love is pure and strong,' he declared. 'We won't do anything but kiss until the obligatory lemon in the second-last chapter.'

'Sooo……frustrated, are we, baldy?'

Click. Bang. Dodge. Swear.

'Well, if he can still do that, the disease mustn't have progressed that far,' Hakkai mused. 'Now if only we could find a cure……'

'Cure?' Goku blinked. 'Oh, is this a fanfic where one of us gets poisoned and the oth–'

Gojyo clamped a hand on his mouth. 'Hey, 'Kai, you take care of the other one, okay?'

Hakkai nodded, still deep in thought. 'Exposure to fanfic…reading summaries…I've got it!' he exclaimed. 'Gojyo, if you could keep them quiet for a while……'

'Right.'

Hakkai left, and Gojyo eyed Sanzo and Goku cautiously. They _looked _normal, but –

'Okay,' he said, gesturing with Sanzo's gun, 'Goku, why don't you tie him up?'

Goku looked appalled. '_That_ stuff's on groaned. This was going to take a while.


	13. Gojyo proves his immunity

_**Scene 13: in which Gojyo proves his immunity**_

Under the influence of Sanzo's gun, Sanzo and Goku were now securely hogtied to two chairs. They were not happy.

'Let me go, kappa.'

'Uh-uh, right after you swear not to jump the monkey.'

Sanzo glared at Gojyo, who was clearly having fun.

'Surely you know that we're destined for each other!' Goku said, tugging futilely at his bonds (his super-strength had vanished since it wasn't an uke characteristic). 'Would you come between true lovers?'

'Shut up, Goku, you're freaking me out,' Gojyo mumbled.

'You read the fanfiction too, didn't you?'

'Yeah, I read a couple.' Goku's eyes brightened, but then Gojyo shrugged. 'Then I saw some 35 fanfics and was squicked so bad, I stopped. Hakkai says I'm not affected, and I certainly feel in character.'

Sanzo swore; whether it was at the 35 or the fact that he wasn't going to get a smoke or a monkey soon was unclear.

'You know we're destined to be together!' Goku whined.

'Nope. Didn't read 39 – I really don't want images of monkey/monk sex, thank you very much.'

Silence fell. Time passed.

And then Hakkai returned, clutching a heavy paper bag. 'Found it,' he said. 'I've got the cure.'


	14. the cure is applied

_**Scene 14: in which the cure is applied**_

'_This_,' Hakkai said sternly, brandishing the bag, 'is the _real_ Journey to the West.'

'The one where I'm bald and you're the man-slut?' Sanzo inquired innocently.

Hakkai took a deep calming breath. 'No. The One. By Minekura Kazuya. _Our _Saiyuki. Read,' he ordered, opening the book for him.

'You're kidding,' Gojyo said sceptically. '_This_ is your cure? A manga?'

Hakkai gave him Smile #75: _Silence-Now-Or-Silence-Forever-Your-Pick_. 'It's only logical,' he said and turned to Sanzo. 'If you please.'

Sanzo obstinately screwed his eyes shut.

'I have duct tape in the med kit,' Hakkai mentioned. Sanzo reluctantly began to read.

'Gojyo, do the same for Goku, please.'

'On it,' Gojyo said and sprang to comply.

For a while, silence reigned in the room as Sanzo and Goku read while the other two turned pages.

It was, Hakkai thought, like watching someone emerge from water. A slight unworldly sheen to Sanzo's eyes receded as he read through volume after volume, his customary frown returned, and his body language changed subtly, and something……was different about him. No, not now – if anything, he'd returned to normal. A glance to the side showed that Goku was experiencing something similar.

Finally, he thought. Sweet, sweet, normalcy.

A/N: thanks for the reviews – the fic's about to break fifty! Fiftieth reviewer gets a giftfic if they're interested – oh, don't PM me, ffnet hates my PC; say so in the review/email me. My email is visible if you're logged in.


	15. Goku chews on boot

_**Scene 15: in which Goku chews on boot**_

The next morning, they continued west.

Goku fidgeted for an hour before finally saying, 'Uh, mm, this fanfiction……'

Sanzo began to twitch.

'I don't remember much,' Goku said meekly. 'What exactly happened?'

Thwack! 'Shut up or die!'

'It seems Sanzo does, though,' Hakkai commented, sounding obscenely cheerful.

Gojyo tugged on Goku's collar.

'What?!'

The self-proclaimed playboy leaned over and whispered.

Goku's eyes grew progressively wider; his face pinked, then reddened. Once or twice, he said 'weeble'. He interrupted only once, to ask what a chastity was.

Gojyo explained. At great length, and with relish.

Goku's face turned purple.

Hakkai ahaha'd nervously.

Sanzo's vein popped clean out.

'……and that's how it was,' Gojyo finished, and resumed his seat.

Goku stared blankly into the distance for a whole hour, trying to cope with Way Too Much Information. When coherent thought did return, he voiced the worst imaginable one. 'But Sanzooo…… why'd you read angsty romance between _us_?'

There was a brief, loud, deadly silence, while Sanzo did a fine imitation of a dying fish. Then, 'Die,' he instructed freezingly, and tried very hard to help.

'Now, now……'

Gojyo snickered. 'Hey, 'Kai, he's definitely frustrated.'

At the next town, they had to stop to get more bullets.


	16. a terribly mature confession

_**Scene 16: in which there is a terribly mature confession**_

'Sanzo?' Goku said tentatively.

The monk peered over his newspaper. 'Crawl into a hole and die,' he said dispassionately.

Goku persevered. 'About the fanfiction thing.'

Again with the veinpop.

Goku ignored it. 'See, I know what we…did…wasn't exactly under our own influence. But why did it affect you and me and not Gojyo?'

'He didn't read romance,' Sanzo said, curious despite himself.

'No, he didn't read the _right_ romance.'

A blond eyebrow rose.

'The way I see it, the disease, whatever it was, it only affected us because it was canon.'

'Canon?'

'The real thing. What the story was, the author's real intention. It affected us because it was real. I know, because I went back and read some more fanfiction.'

'How stupid can you–'

'I read some 89, and it didn't affect me. Not at all. I talked to Hakkai for half an hour after, and nothing happened.'

Sanzo did something that he would never admit was goggling. 'The hell are you suggesting?'

Goku took a step closer. 'I'm saying, the fanfiction disease probably got us both because we're actually–'

'Shut up!'

'–in love with each other. I won't shut up, Sanzo. Not now. Not until you answer.'

A/N: ever tried to write a self-contained romance in 200 words? Sucks, I tell you. Especially when you're rotten at it.


	17. Goku is smart

_**Scene 17: in which Goku is smart**_

Sanzo's shoulders slumped. 'You ignorant ape,' he said, but it lacked real venom. Goku had attacked perfectly; there was no denying it – at least to himself. Sanzo had made hypocrisy an art form, but he didn't lie to himself.

'Do you love me, Sanzo?'

Yes.

'No,' he replied.

Goku tapped his forehead, a big grin breaking out. 'That's not what I heard.'

Logic had always been his weakness, and Goku could hear him anyway. 'I don't want to,' he said, hating how it came out nearly plaintive. 'You're an idiot.'

'For loving you? Yeah, guess so. And you?'

'I think,' Sanzo said, careful and weary, 'that I'm as foolish as you.'

Goku's smile stretched from ear to ear. 'Sanzo…'

'Shut up.'

Goku tackled Sanzo, sending the sutra flying and them to the floor, and kissed him.

It was most definitely not perfect. Sanzo's reading glasses poked Goku in the eye, his limiter nearly knocked Sanzo out when they hit the floor, and their noses mashed together. It was spectacularly clumsy since Goku had never kissed anyone (in his right mind) and Sanzo hadn't intended to.

But these little things were easily overcome; hard work, determination and enthusiasm always pays off.

A/N: the next chapter is the second-last one. And if you were paying attention to Goku earlier, you'll know what _that _means. With special thanks to s0hmam0miji and Scrunchy for reviewing every chapter to date!


	18. the second last scene

_**Scene 18: in which it is the second-last scene**_

When Goku broke away, Sanzo's brow was creased, faintly puzzled. 'Goku?'

'Hmmm?'

'Why Hakkai?'

Goku giggled. 'I figured he'd notice something was wrong the fastest, and smack some sense into me if I tried something stupid. That, and he's the only one who hasn't read any fanfiction.You should have seen his face when I told him what I'd done. I thought he was going to choke. And Gojyo nearly had a fit.'

That, Sanzo could imagine.

'I still can't believe you chose Hakkai for this.'

Goku's grin grew sinister. 'I could have chosen Kougaiji instead. Or Homura.'

'Homura's dead,' Sanzo pointed out, because while Goku was smart, occasionally he didn't notice these things. 'Unless zombies are your type.'

'They're still writing fanfic about him,' Goku replied. 'It's likelier than me and Hakkai, anyway. Actually, I think I saw a fanfic about Homura and me falli–'

_Thwack!_

Well, so much for romance.

They lay there in silence for a while.

Then Goku grinned. 'Hey, Sanzo?'

'What?'

'Think it's the second-last scene yet?'

Sanzo turned to face him; smirking slow and predatory. 'You know, I do believe it is.'

_**BLEEP!**_

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Incredibly long A/N: sorry for the letdown. I could probably have a heckload of fun with writing the 'typical' (i.e. written by thirteen-year-olds with hyperactive libidos, no spellchecker and even less real information about sex) 3x9x3 lemon, but that would a) deflower the T rating and b) make me squirm with intense embarrassment at decline my writing skills, such as they are, will have to experience in order to do it properly (also, I tend not to write anything with heavy romance, so). If I get enough requests, I might post it separately. Otherwise…eh. Not worth the time. One chapter to go – oh, and I changed my mind, there's an epilogue. Can't go without ty(p)ing up the loose ends, after all.


	19. a satisfying crunch

_**Scene 19: in which there is a satisfying crunch**_

'Soooo, had a nice night?'

Goku turned crimson. 'How did you know?!' he spluttered, belatedly realising that that was not an effective denial. Sanzo slapped his forehead and groaned, and Hakkai snerked.

The fight started immediately after.

Later, as they drove, Hakkai was feeling quite satisfied. Behind him, Goku's aura was brighter, and Sanzo, who was apparently asleep, was almost smiling. This was a perfect ending.

Just then……

'There seem to be some people needing our assistance,' Hakkai noted, as two girls with blue/green hair and red/gold eyes (orbs) waved frantically at them from the middle of the road. They were apparently half-breed itan goddess Sanzos with sutras and unearthly powers.

'Ignore them,' Sanzo said through his cigarette. 'Those are just the Sues.'

'Ahahaha,' Hakkai contributed.

'Gojyo, my one true love!' one squealed. 'Be mineeee!'

Hakkai adopted Smile #27: _You-Really-Really-Do-Not-Want-To-Interfere-With-Me-Right-Now-Because-I-Am-Having-A-_Very_-Private-Homicidal-Moment._ The other three inched away.

Hakkai floored it.

There was a screech, a bump, and a satisfying crunch.

The sun blazed, the desert rolled by, dust swirled and Hakuryuu trundled west, slightly pissed because he'd been relegated to convenient plot device (at least he'd had a speaking part in Gaiden, damn it!) but hey, there's only so much anyone can do.

A/N: A humble request to my readers: do NOT call eyes orbs. Orbs are made of stone. Eyes are NOT made of stone, because if they were we could poke them with sticks and not blind ourselves, and every single damn day some kid discovers otherwise the hard way. And it's not okay to call eyes orbs just because people in other fanfics call them orbs; the inaccuracies of others are not an acceptable excuse for our own.

End pointless rant (damn, I seem to be writing these a lot lately!). Epilogue to follow.

75 reviews! Thank you all so much!


	20. the Purpose is Uncovered

_**Epilogue: in which the Purpose is Uncovered.**_

The players faced each other across the chessboard.

'I must say, my lady, your plan succeeded admirably,' Nii said, and tipped the woman opposite him a gallant (and slightly flirtatious) wink.

She smiled. 'I couldn't have done it without your technical skills. There are rules about this sort of thing, after all.'

'Ah, but we co-wrote the fanfiction, didn't we?' Nii chuckled. 'UltimateSaiyukiYaoiFangirl. They'd never have expected people like us to establish a website like that. And your work was most creative. I must admit, you've quite revolutionised my view of peanut butter.'

Kanzeon leered. 'Why thank you. It certainly had the appropriate effect on my recalcitrant nephew. This makes things so much more interesting.'

'For you and me,' Nii said. 'This kind of change makes it all the more delicious when I can manoeuvre them into despair, sorrow, and parting.' Glasses glinted. 'It will be…fun.'

'Ah, well. Things that aren't fun are so boring, as I've always said,' she shrugged. This did interesting things to her cleavage. Nii watched interestedly for a moment; she reached out and firmly shut his jaw. 'Nii, dear, it's your move.'

'My apologies, Lady Kanzeon.'

And the game continued – in many more ways than one.

* * *

A/N: final notes: When I started out, I wanted to parody fanfics by poking fun at all the clichés I could find. About the time when I finished chapter eleven, I realised that I had, in fact, incorporated every single cliché into the plot while making fun of it elsewhere – the Angst, the Sudden Illness, the Feeling of Guilt, the Cure, the (admittedly infinitesimal) UST, the Kiss, the Confrontation, the Conclusion, the Happy Last Scene – in fact, the works. At which point I laughed madly, threw up my hands and clichified the entire thing while chuckling to myself.

Shameless gloating aside, it made me realise……hell, life is one big cliché. Expect the predictability – it's penance for our sins.

Oh, and I don't support NiiKanzeon (is there actually any NiiKanzeon out there?!?), but it seemed appropriate since they're both nosy, smart, behind-the-scenes types with a creepily twisted sense of humour. That, and Kanzeon's cleavage would make even my jaw drop

Thanks to my reviewers. Almost 100 reviews - wow. Oh, there might be a sequel in a while - 58 this time.


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